I used to think - that I could do everythingThat I could give everything. That normally unseen unfelt sacrifices that we sometimes do to make people's day. That warmth in our heart comforted with the vision of others' smiles - priceless
As time goes back, setbacks depreciated this value. I failed too - trying to give everything for love and I thought I was wrong about it all. One could not, or maybe just I could not, go forward for too long giving everything beyong one's capacity.
For those lessons learnt and sleeping with lifted pillows, i try to find meanings to my doings. Maybe its not necessary. Maybe i could just give what people wants. Maybe I used to do too much just because I'm afraid of losing. Something? or Somebody? But I end up just losing myself more.Changes is part of growing up. I've seen people changed, gradually and suddenly. I've seen myself from the things I've done. I'm no longer too enthusiastic about things. I no longer see the need to spend my energy just because others need it. It's stupid to try and score a goal when I know i wouldn't be awarded a point.
I was stupid. But why still am?
It's not that I'm trying to ask for something in return. It'll never be the reason.
It's just all because of unfairness. And I just feel people don't deserved it when it could be avoided.
Take it as I'm just narrow.
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
12:18 AM
Just moments ago, I took out my calendar and imagined myself in my mind - highlighting the possible dates I need to blank out for sailing. Luckily it doesn't take long to arrive at the december page.
I felt relaxed upon reaching that page, browsing through the columns where we placed our pre-accepted chalet dates. It's 28th,29th & 30th Dec. Fri,Sat and Sun. The thought of putting aside work and a few days break from this forsaken work n sailing life, so inviting.
I've not been happy recently, and there on the top left of this december page was a proverb:
"Happiness - happiness is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination to be happy under all outward circumstances."What's Happiness - its an attitude it says. Determined to think positively no matter what happens.
Such an attitude I find it hard to achieve - like forcing me to write with my right hand when i'm left handed.
Being forced to accept delegated jobs and doing work way out of my responsibilities, i was neither credited for it nor being paid extra. The crappiest thing ever was some taking leave and MC all the time and got me as replacement and this department's most senior idiot doesnt know how to discipline his men.
For the past 7 weeks I'm only home 1 single day from morning to night each week.. i try not to miss out any possible outings despite
the weight of my eyebags
my moods are bad
my face is black
I'm still moving way off my comfort zone for people around me that makes me wanna put in effort to help, to make things interesting, special..
it turns out I'm utterly... perhaps sensitive again, maybe paranoid, or out of my mind.. demanding.. unreasonable.. crap.. lame.. whatever related english u know, name it
.
.
.
someone, anyone, can just teach me to pretend happy?
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
11:07 PM
A Global Warning. A foresight of the kind of world we'll be living in the next few decades.
I've not seen this documentary film when it was first launched last year or so. After watching it the last sailing, there's this helplessness feeling that sort of engulfed me.
I've been back from a Hong Kong trip and knowing that the winter period there has been reduced 3 weeks and more, compared to 11 years ago, the funny short-lived rainfalls that last for minutes, the lightning outbreak recently in the news.. and now to find out the change worldwide..
the snowflaked mountains that changed into normal mountains..;
the giant freshwater lake 1/3 the size of North America that lies above Canada that will turn europe back into Ice age if it reaches the Atlantic Sea..;
Polar bears having to swim more than 60 miles in the Artic Sea to find a land of ice to rest..;
The disturbing, yet interesting statistics and graphs of weather patterns, global temperatures, pollutions, populations..;
The likeliness of sea-water levels to rise 40 feet in the coming years.. causing the lost of cities..etc;
Though there's a slight sidetrack that goes back to Al Gore's childhood and political past..
maybe you can't save the planet - but i think you should start to save yourself, so,
I recommend 2 words,
Watch it.
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
7:45 PM
