Wen Shan --> She's our new member for composed songs recording! (Click here!)I feel rather surprised having such people with us to fulfill our so-called dream. And its all people with quality voices!
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
9:48 PM
Today was a half day.
His (gay's) parents called my commander at 6am, called my mate at midnight. Apparently he's been having a very disturbed span of time these 2 days.
He's not ok on sunday night after we book in because he approach his dream love and created trouble for himself.
He looks ok when he book out after monday noon.
He's not ok after he went home.
That's what we see for this 2 days. Thats how unpredictable his behavior is becoming. So far, he's committed 3 serious military offences:
1. Being gay and not declaring when signing on.
2. Attempting to commit suicide.
3. Lying to senior officers.
Yet, he managed to escape being handcuffed. I seriously think its something he should be stress about. But he didn't.
He's stress about his dream love not accepting him. He's stress over not being able to cope with his work. He's stress over feeling he's outcasted by the rest of us.
These few days, he put on his newly bought headphone just to listen to 2 songs that makes him feels sad and let him reminds himself of his dream love. This is what he said himself.
He made up stories to his psychaistrist, and he didn't mentioned about himself being a gay. He changed words to," idol", "his admirer". Yet he declared that he's fallen for this guy to us. This also reminds him about the guy he "admired" back in poly and left him because he told that guy he likes him. He can't put the past back.
So all this accumulated inside his mind until now. And now he can't handle them each at a time. So he loses control of himself today, he turned mental.
Seriously, its a mental behaviour.. hiding at a corner of the room, staring into blank spaces.. hands over head..standing and mumbling something nobody could understand.
Yet, he looks normal again after we reached his house to speak with his parents. Believing his parents can't take the fact their son's a gay, we just discussed about his relationship with us, with his work and his personalities and attitudes.
My commander understands everything's still not gonna be okay, so do we.
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
4:40 PM
Sailed out this monday.
From the time when the vessel depart from the harbour, it was like i'll be going for a long time.. i will be having this scenario for the next coming years. There are no waves that looks like they're crushing onto the shore, there are no wave lines to begin with. There's no clouds in the sky when the sun is bright. The clouds all gathered above lands - like a hat.
Because this sailing trip is just for an experience.. being onboard is relaxing. We don't have any routine duties, we don't have to worry about the fuel, the oil, the systems.
As I searched the sea for its beauty, finally I found a question to ask myself:
When would I be sick of this scenery? When would I be sick of this breeze?
As far as I see.. this is a lonely career with these natural beauties as my companions.
This is gonna be my future
现在的我在海中遥望 你在维持正义的地方我们都相同守护家乡然后多了你在我心上
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
7:46 PM
I proclaim myself being a hero, or being in the way, of that fucking gay coursemate who tried to commit suicide by jumping down from the corridor railing just outside our cabin! I wasn't upset and irritated with his attempt, he can die for all I care. It is the people that are gonna to get affected that are really innocent. Us, his parents, our seniors, our commanders. Sorry Iris, to sms you and whine about this. To be in such a drama I really shock until I feel so lost in the midst of it. All of us did. And I'm just gonna say the reasons leading to it - My side of the story: There are 7 of us in the class. This gay here, gay is not considered abnormal, in fact, so common in society these days. I'm not taking it personally, but everyone feels - He looks weird, with protruding upper teeth, bulging eyeballs, skinny face with high, big cheekbones and moon craters. He talks on phone, and 100% people responded calling him Miss. He has a girl voice, totally. He has weird habits of eating mucus when he's staring into empty spaces. He lets everyone knows he has 5 credit cards. Frequently volunteering to pay for the whole sum when everyone decides to share. When he feels hot, he take out his cards to use as fan. He walk as professionally as a model. He love asking whether it would be good if he go for plastic surgery, whether he looks good in bra. Well.. it is not all though. I'll just write out what happened this week. These 2 weeks, he's been having tons of emotional outbursts. And yesterday is when he attempted suicide. My class is afraid of him for weeks because of his black face and attitude. The problem actually zooms in on a guy, X. Often, he approaches each of us when we are alone and askes us, "Am I capricious?"
"Why is X treating me so coldly?""Can you lull me and make me laugh?"At times, we don't know how to respond with his requests. There's times when he askes, "Can i talk to you?" and he'll just stare at you and wouldn't utter a single word even after you asked 10 times "What?". Fuck, who wouldn't get pissed off.Some of us are more experienced in planning duty groupings, we often discuss together. He would later, when the discussion finished and he wants everyone to be present, just to complain that WE DID NOT ASK HIM FOR HIS OPINION OR HIS SHARE OF IDEA. And that he stated that he wanted to be involve. For months till now, he always says he felt neglected by us. And each of us never failed to talk to him for hours to let him understand the situation. From there we also find out why he's unhappy. THE PROBLEM IS THAT THIS HAS BEEN DONE BY EACH OF US COUNTLESS TIMES. EVERYTIME AFTER WE COUNSEL HIM, THE NEXT DAY HE GOES BACK TO THE SAME KIND OF FACE AND WE HAVE TO GIVE THE SAME KIND OF ADVICES!What he wants?! We ask him and he can never answer. How are we going to help? He says he wants to talk to us, but when we talk to him, he gives a 1 word answer. And says that we talk to him because we are trying to compromise with him. What he wants?! Talk or no talk, both wrong!?Tuesday night, he dreamt of something, I heard something like "X..我很想驯服你..我只想驯服你..Ah....ahh.....ahhhhh" FUCK THE SOUND WAS FREAKING GROSS! And that gay actually admitted having a crush on him...fuck gaysThat went through the whole night and we can't sleep at all! Wednesday night we had to watch over him because he tried suicide in the noon, so we cant sleep too! X suffer the most, this gay ask him most of those stupid questions all the time. "X.. i'm very jealous you so close with CL.." "X..u and CL and Y always chat very happily hor..?""X.. can you dun chat with him and chat with me?""Why you don't want to start a chat with me?""I want you to talk to me."He was counselled by his own counsellor on wednesday noon, after that incident. We had a chat with his counsellor too.. apparently i summarise wad he says, "he needs to be sayang..needs a lap to rest on, to cry on, and having someone stroking his head when he's upset." FUCK how are we supposed to do that."he needs physical assurance." so there's no wrong putting fist and kicks into his face?"He thirsts for friendship." Fuck, u mean gay partner?"He wants the world to be beautiful." Oh..no wonder he tried jumping. He really wants it. But he should do it in the sea, at least it wouldn't stain the place.I really feel like shooting back at the counsellor, but freak warrant officer. Cant. We just told him what we had done so far, and the limits we already reached. He just tell us to be at our best side of us. Comfort him, make him feels the way he want to. Who gonna comfort us? That gay made a pact with the counsellor not to cause such unhappiness within us again. Yet...He screwed up our nights off later. Making a scene at the coffee shop, making a scene in the cab, went back to camp and starts off those questions crap again. We switched off the lights to play card games..cos we have to keep watch over him. HE KNEEL DOWN IN FRONT OF X'S BED AND ASK HIM FOR ACCEPTANCE, IF NOT HE WOULDN'T GET UP. but then..we just carry on with our card games.. X continue chatting with his gf.. and he just kneel there for an hour or so.. nobody bothers..nobody can. These things repeated too many times. Imagine yourself reading this over and over again.. becos this is wad happens over and over everyday. Fuck..this is gonna be no end. I've never felt that helpless before..not even in love, in frens or wad.. i m tired.
How? I too, long for a post I can happily blog about.
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
10:57 PM
Testing post.
Chongz stepped on your garbage at
10:16 PM
